| The real king of beasts |
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| 06:50am 24/07/2005 |
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It's tribute time, once again. A tribute to the real king of beasts; and I can tell you right off the bat who it isn't. It isn't the lion.
You know what the lion needed? Courage. This is pathetic.
This next one ALMOST hurt to say. Tigers have heart, but, in comparison to the greatest, they're just little cocksuckers.
It's just a big ol' pussy. Cat.
Some of you may have thought it'd be an elephant. Well, the elephant only gets raped by this master of all that is wild. Really, he gets raped.
Look at the elephant's face. That's the face of submission.
Well, I guess the secret's out. The king of beasts is none other than the donkey. The donkey kicks everybody's ass all the time. Nobody likes it, but his spirit is the envy of all the people of the world. If you can find me a donkey, I'll find you something you can't beat into submission. The donkey says, "fuck you, bitch, I ain't afraid of you and your whips! Bring that shit, you'll still carry your own fucking bags!"
You stand your ground, my friend. It'll take more than a handful of bitches to break your resolve!
That's heart. That's some mother fuckin' heart. |
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| I'm human, I can't help it.... |
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| 10:25pm 17/07/2005 |
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You know what bothers me? People who say, "I'm human, I can't help it" whenever they do something they shouldn't do. "Hey, I'm only human!" What was I thinking?! I must have thought you were divine or something; clearly, since you're only human, you don't have open thinking abilities and free will. My mistake.
I really hate people who try and use religion as a way out. "Jesus died for my sins because he knew I couldn't resist all temptation, thus, I have a free pass to indulge in whatever, whenever. Jesus died for me!" Hey, dipshit, go fuck yourself.
Man, I could really get into this. Just go on about everything I hate forever. You don't deserve something that cool, though. |
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| Answer to the homeless |
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| 08:30pm 30/05/2005 |
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Problem: the homeless.
Possible solutions: Origami housing, cannibalism, stop being a loser, reality TV.
Analyze this shit-
So... origami housing. Think about it, it's affordable, it's simple to build... it'd be easy to move. There's no downside to this idea. Some people think they're better than my idea, and they offer up the suggestion of rain. Well, I'm more than one step ahead of you. Laminate that shit, your house would be better than your neighbor's house. Flooding will never be a problem for you, you'll just float away. Besides, your neighborhood probably sucked more than where the current'll take you anyway. Just laminate that shit and you'll be living the good life. Trust me.
Next is cannibalism, one of the greatest practices mankind has ever frowned upon. Basically, we take some of the losers living on the streets and we throw them in a big pit. Next, we drown them. We use their carcasses to nurture families of wolves in the basement of some big ol' place. Next, we abuse the wolves and set them out on the streets. Out for revenge, you can bet they'll finish up our little 'homeless problem'. Ah... cannibalism... it's nature's way.
The most unrealistic of my solutions, is the infamous "stop being a loser" idea. The plan here is to stop being a loser and go do something. While this seems impossible to virtually all homeless people, it really isn't. Not that it bothers me much. The more they resist this, the closer we are to 'operation cannibalism', and that'd be a fucking dream come true.
The last option would be a new reality series called "We Risk Our Lives Rather Than Get a Job" in which all sorts of homeless people are flown over to an island where they'll compete in 'survival games'. The survival games include such things as throwing each other off a cliff until only one man remains, and running in circles until everyone else dies. The end of the series would just be a big gang war. We take the winners from all the countries of the world, and we team them up according to skill. We don't make the teams even, because it doesn't matter anyway. Instead of winning something, the surviving gang is stoned to death for breaking the law so many times.
I fucking rule. |
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| Quite possibly offensive! |
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| 12:23am 30/05/2005 |
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mood: however I want to feel
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Why is it that while both people are just talking to themselves while standing on a bunch of corpses, one is considered insane and the other respectful?
I wouldn't have much of a problem with this topic, if not for the fact that I was told I don't have 'proper cemetery etiquette'. "What the hell is that?!" you may ask. It's when you don't goof off(read other peoples' gravestones) and you say prayers. Prayers? Prayers for whom? Do I pray to God? If so, why did I go out of my way to stand on top of a dead guy just so I can do something I can do anywhere I want? Or maybe it's so I can talk to the person in the grave... because they're DEFINITELY going to answer if I say a prayer.
You know what I say? Fuck you, and stop being an idiot. I'm not about to pretend to pray because you don't like that I don't take comfort from talking to myself whilst standing on a corpse. I won't say anything to you about how much of an idiot you are, and you won't say anything to me about violating your delusional laws of etiquette, k? Thanks.
Everybody, my dear friends, is an idiot. |
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| Self righteous sons of bitches |
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| 11:35pm 20/05/2005 |
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Excuse the fact that I will not point out every example of self righteous sons of bitches, here today. Excuse it, or go to hell.
Vegetarians. At first glance, there's nothing wrong with this. However, upon further investigations of certain vegetarians, we find nothing but stupidity, self denial, and self righteous shit backing their thought process.
"Don't be hatin'", some might say to me. Well, a fine fuck you to them. Don't play 'black' with me.
Anyway... there are those who boycott meat(become vegetarians) because they do not like the way animals are killed in slaughterhouses. "OMG! It's SO inhumane!" "OMG! They're not human!" Also, it's perfectly humane. What the hell could you expect from a slaughterhouse? Slaughter, don't be stupid. Here's what happens, we crush their skulls. They die damn quick, before they even know what's happening(not that it'd matter, they're not smart, and wouldn't quite understand what was happening anyway). What more humane thing(rationally) could be done? Nothing, thanks for not thinking, dipshits.
More importantly than this is the fact that not eating meat changes nothing. Nobody is going to kill fewer animals if you stop eating meat. Nobody's going to say, "Sarah stopped eating meat, let one of every animal go free!" Nay, nobody cares about you, Sarah. To assume your decision to not eat meat means anything beyond a possible malnutrition problem for you, and awkwardness amongst eating with friends(though they're probably just as stupid as you, and also don't eat meat), you're just a dumb bitch.
There are reasons why certain people stop eating meat. One being religious purposes... and we should all know what I think about this. Don't be a dipshit, there's no such thing as a holy animal. The second rational reason would be you just don't like the way it tastes. I find this hard to accept, as there are plenty of different kinds of meat, and you should be able to find something you like... to say you're a vegetarian because you don't like the taste of meat is stupid, as you may very well run across some sort of meat you enjoy eating.
My favorite reason, however, is the weak minded reason. When you have such little control over the things you think that the psychological affects of eating a 'once living animal' all but gives you a heart attack. I find it is usually these people who claim to be 'protesting slaughter houses'. Fuck them, I say... if you're too much of a pussy to be able to eat meat, just go on and say it. I'd think you're an idiot, but an honest idiot; I'd respect you accordingly.
Let's say somebody honestly wants to do something about slaughterhouses... not eating meat is the wrong way to go. That'd be like refusing to own a gun because you dislike other people committing murder... you're not exactly solving the problem, stupid. If you honestly feel something should be done about slaughterhouses, why don't you do something useful... like petition. Probably because nobody cares about petitions... sending somebody a petition is just like tossing them toilet paper, it's just something they'll wipe their ass with.
Here's what you need to do if you want to do something about a slaughterhouse... go blow that shit up. Really, there's nothing wrong with doing something of the sort if you honestly feel it's worth it. The problem with everybody is their lack of willpower. When society and law put boundaries on actions that you feel are truly right and just, you give society and law a good raping and go do what you want anyway. If you get caught, at least you'd have gotten caught doing something you feel is worth it. If you don't think it's worth it, shut the fuck up and eat your hamburgers, asshole.
I really see nothing wrong with taking extreme action if you feel extreme action is necessary... and for anybody who does, I respect them for it. I do NOT respect every little bitch who learns one bit of knowledge and decides to give up something like meat. I especially think less of those people who try to convince other people that they should give up meat. You're not doing your part by refusing to eat meat; you're just making me sick with your illogical and self-righteous nonsense.
pork neckbones: $1.19 per pound
boneless skinless chicken breast: $3.99 per pound
boneless center cut pork roast: $4.99 per pound
boneless top loin pork chops: $5.33 per pound
horrified expression on a 13-year old girl's face when she sees her first slaughterhouse: priceless |
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| Mythology; we just made that shit up |
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| 08:47pm 26/04/2005 |
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How can it be that there are entire religions devoted to gods which people just thought up? How does a rational people accept something so stupid as the masters of the world living on the summit of some mountain? I think everybody knows what I'm talking about: bullshit.
Not only did people believe this, they began to actually create histories for the 'gods' they simply decided should exist. Each and every one of these gods and goddesses was a sinful bitch. Zeus had affairs with every man, woman, and child he laid his eyes on. As such, his eyes weren't the only things he laid on them... I'll trust you know what I mean(rape).
Many-a-book has been written about the mythology of various cultures... I'm pretty much just sticking to Greek mythology, if you've been too stupid to notice.
In Greece, when somebody would die without apparent cause of death, it was assumed they were hit by one of Apollo's arrows. What was Apollo thinking when he was raining death on random people of Greece? And how the hell does he find time for this while he's riding around the world in his chariot all day long, huh? I don't remember time freezing so Apollo can go pick off a few hapless Greeks worshipping the wrong god.
I have to get some of those arrows, in all seriousness. Think about it, they leave no physical evidence of having ever even been there, yet they can clearly kill the shit out of you. I'd never stop killing people if I had that sort of sophisticated equipment.
I'm just kidding; Apollo, weaponry included, sucks.
In fact, Apollo was killed by the goddess Aidees. Aidees is the goddess of sexually transmitted diseases. Like Zeus(and every single other god/goddess), Aidees never ever stopped having sex. Aidees had the most peculiar vagina though, it would cause the person she was having sex with to contract many a disease. The best thing about Aidees is that she never even had the diseases, she was just so damn powerful that having sex with her caused your body to get fucked up(no pun intended, LOL!).
Below is an example of Aidees' seduction of an average Greek.
Clearly, boys and girls, she got game!
For those of you who weren't quite keen enough to catch on... Aidees is not a real mythological goddess. That bitch is MY creation. |
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| The obnoxious 'fan' |
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| 02:20am 26/04/2005 |
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Today I watched a baseball game at my school. Watching kids play sports is both funny and ridiculous. It's funny in that they suck in supernatural ways, yet they somehow manage to end up on the team which is meant to represent their school or region.
However, the ridiculous part is NOT the players. It's the fans. They are so loud and stupid. They clearly care more than the kids... and not only that, they make fun of the kids while they're sitting there. Their OWN kids! Well, I couldn't let that go on; the children were rescued, yes, by none other than the greatest guy. Me.
What better way to get the parents to stop making fun of their kids than to have completely random kids of the same age mocking the hell out of them(their kids, in case that confused any of you...)? If you attempted to answer that, you're pretty fucking stupid. There is no better way; don't be a dipshit.
Anyway... I'm sitting there making fun of them, and not only that, I'm trying to be as racist as possible. I was comparing their poor performances to some countries. At one point I Shouted, "You think this is Somolia or something?! What the hell are you doing?! Get your ass in gear #28!!"
That stopped most of the mocking. Just for good measure, I kept it up. I also began a discussion about the raping of little girls and the possible kidnapping of one not too far from where we sat, playing by herself on the side of the field. All this was said, of course, in the loudest of voices.
I was just so sick of hearing, "Come on CJ!" I had to do something before the urge to jab many-a-stick into my brain got too strong. You see, it was all self-defense. Nobody cares about those kids playing, it doesn't even matter. What matters is me taking away from the parents' enjoyment in a matter similar to the way they were taking away from mine. It's not as though I was making fun of something that shouldn't have been mocked.
Check this shit out:
That little cluster over there consists of the right, center, and left fielders. What they were all doing there I have no fuckin' idea. Yet there they were, and for it their parents endured me verbally kicking everybody's ass once again. The people who I was with kept telling me to shutup, but did I?
Hell no. |
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| Just a couple of things |
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| 01:49am 28/10/2004 |
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Actually only one thing. I had intended to write two, but the first thought was far too complex to be transferred through language.
Moving on... I have always been aware that seeing people win bothers me. It's not that I think the idea of winning is wrong, but watching somebody win pisses me off. I'm guessing it is probably the overreacting that usually goes hand-in-hand with winning. I always feel bad for the loser, though. Especially if they never had a chance at winning. That's not to say I like the winner more if they have to struggle for the win; not at all. When the underdog wins, I feel bad for the loser, because they fucking lost to the underdog! Way to go, you stupid fuck, way to lose to the wimp. Yet if the underdog loses, I dislike the winner anyway. Oh, you beat the person who was supposed to lose? Why congratulations! You definitely deserve some sort of recognition for this achievement!
During the final game of the world series, I was disgusted when Boston won. I have nothing against Boston, other then the fact that people live there. I simply don't like when winners try to make their nothing into something; which is precisely what Boston did. "The curse is broken!" Fuck you.
In truth, I don't dislike all winners. There are a select few who manage to maintain a perfect lack of interest in winning. The people who honestly don't care about winning are always the ones I want to win. I never feel like soaking my head in lighter fluid when they win... which is more than I can say for SOME people.
Fuck not being humble, that's my point. No matter how great you think something you do is, chances are it sucks and somebody somewhere hates you for it. |
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| Great literature written by an anonymous child |
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| 05:20pm 14/09/2004 |
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This was copied perfectly, all errors present were in the original copy. The document is completely unchanged and pure. Enjoy.
( Read more... )
The point the author of this story is trying to make is that children should be beaten a whole lot more than they are.
I like the imagery the author used in this sentence, "The elepahnt got so mad he threw the lion so far and so high away." I actually saw the lion flying so far and so high away. It was as though somebody was running a video in my mind.
This entire section blows my mind. I mean... whoa, just reread it, I'm sure you'll understand my feelings... "He was hungry so he went to go hunt for food. He heard the ram so he tried to snick up on him the ram stared running. He heard the shuffling of the mane he ran into a tree and knocked it down and it fell on the elephants nose and teeth the nose. The elephant got so mad that he had a long nose and teeth."
I GET IT NOW! It means the author doesn't know anything about anything! Right, and that I am so great... |
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| Some things that are as cool as me |
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| 11:26am 13/08/2004 |
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mood:  uncomfortable
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Back by popular demand(Cal asked)... it's ME telling you about other things!!
Let's start off small, ok? No, that's not ok. We'll start off with the one and only thing in all of allness that is more cool than I am. That is... radioactivity. Radioactivity scores a full 10/10 on the coolness scale. I can't wait until we learn to use radioactivity in safe, productive, and creative ways. A day will come when people will accessorize themselves with freshly grown body parts rather than using external things, like jewelry. The kings will all have crowns made of fingers growing out of their heads. If the king were overthrown, he would have his fingers broken.
Something else that is as cool as me is: anything made of green and torque. I don't think that this one really needs explaining.
Pointing your finger in a way that might be mistaken as homosexual is also very very cool. When people look at your hand instead of looking at what you're pointing at, it's cool. Especially when they make a funny face and sort of lean away from you. That's when you know it's super cool.
Using 'that' in places where it isn't needed is quiet cool. Example: "I know THAT I need to go to sleep, but f uck you." Another example: "You know... a little bit of this... a little bit of THAT..." Clearly both 'that's weren't needed in either of those sentences.
Closing your eyes when you sing... now THAT is ultra-super-really-really-cool!! Only at the parts that you really feel though... as in "up above the world so high *CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW!* like a diamond in the sky *you can open them now... good job*" If you close them at emotionally stimulating parts like the one I just mentioned, you will be the belle of the ball... unless, of course, you weren't the belle of the ball to begin with.
Repeating catch phrases to seek approval is very very cool! I happen to know somebody who says "LIKE A GLOVE!" every 16.7 seconds. He wears a gag while he's sleeping, otherwise his family cannot sleep. I stab myself in the ears when he comes over. Deafness is a small price to pay if I don't have to listen to that shit.(I don't like listening to cool things, obviously)
Being able to spin 4 knives(no more, no less) in between your fingers is super-great. So is getting yelled at by your mom for doing it.
Having an uncle who you don't talk about is VERY cool! It's especially cool when you do see him; that's when the fogs of awkwardness rise as though from the depths of hell itself. You get to look at each other awkwardly. All the while your eyes are darting back and forth from his permanently blackened hands to his face.
Screaming as loud as you can for no reason is not at all acceptable. That is... if you don't want to be great at everything. In fact, the louder and longer you can scream, the greater you are. It's a proven fact... I'll break it down to simple algebra for you.
Screaming loudly > Screaming not-so-loudly
Screaming not-so-loudly > Not screaming at all
Screaming loudly=super great
Screaming not-so-loudly < super great
Not screaming at all=gay
Super great > gay
Those weren't all needed. It was just a transition into the next cool thing. Excessiveness. Using more than what is needed is awesome. Especially when you use more than somebody is willing to tolerate. Your job is never really finished until somebody attempts either killing you, or killing themselves because of it.
Some of my friends are as cool as me, but not all.
The last as-cool-as-me thing is making up words. Taking rules that apply to certain words, then using them on words that the rules don't apply to in order to create bold new language is quite possibly the best thing any of you are capable of doing.
The End. (endings are not as cool as me) |
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| Lovesick? |
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| 08:21pm 21/07/2004 |
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mood:  confused
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There is this girl I met online. She's so awesome. She really likes me, too. She lives in Michigan and I live in Illinois, so I don't think it would work. She really likes me, and I really like her too. I'm afraid to say anything though... because I'm sorta confused about the whole thing...
And all my friends that I have told keep telling her how much I like her!!! AAAGH THANKS SO MUCH GUYS!!!
Somebody help a brotha' out, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! |
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